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remember, remember...
just a bit of wood, screws, and some polyurethane molded wheels: considered abstractly, the skateboard is a crude device in many regards.
today, one leans against the orange wall of my office--static, stationary--a dusty plank that shudders with raw potential energy. it torments me. i haven't made it 10 minutes today without casting nervous glances at its supine, taunting form.
"i dare you. i fucking dare you."
it's here. the 14th of march. the one year anniversary of the great fall. the first step towards jack's titanium future. the cancellation of an entire year's vacations. the perscription for 6 months of surgical procedures and physical therapy... and the lasting explanation for my continued inability to soundly sleep on my right side.
it's been a year. today. now.
after work, i'll pick up that skate, walk out of my house, and towards the mountain. i will walk past the place where i tumbled, walk all the way to the top. i admit: after this, i may never touch a deck again... still, that's a discussion for tomorrow. today i have to do it. just to show that i can. that i'm not afraid.
...but i am.
deep in my stomach, i am. screw butterflies. pansy fragile things; (besides, their wings break too easy). right now, my gut, my mothra. we're talking terror. oppression. violence.
it is this fear, of course, that is precisely why i must do this. a sublime paradox. i concede: in logic problems, there is no less satisfying stance than a circular argument. simultaneously, there is no other answer to this problem. no doubt, i will contemplate these weaknesses as i walk. it's a long way to the top. i will contemplate a lot of things.
anyway. what's the worst that could happen?
Comments
After posting this, I had a nagging doubt that I had misused "Supine." Interestingly enough, it turns out that it's more appropriate than I could have guessed:
Main Entry: 2su·pine
Pronunciation: su-'pIn, attrib also 'sü-"pIn
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English suppyne, from Latin supinus; akin to Latin sub under, up to -- more at UP
1 a : lying on the back or with the face upward b : marked by supination
2 : exhibiting indolent or apathetic inertia or passivity; especially : mentally or morally slack
3 archaic : leaning or sloping backward
apathetic inertia. wow. that captures it precisely.
Posted by: jack boring at March 14, 2006 05:50 PM
i'm still awaiting the addendum to this post...
Posted by: juju at March 15, 2006 09:08 AM
well, i chickened out.. after work, i put on my etnies and the mecca suit. grabbed my helmet. closed the door, and started the walk. about half way there, i saw my reflection in a car window, realized this was a stupid testosterone thing to do, and went home.
later that night, i left the house to go to the market. on a whim, i put my skate in the trunk of the scooby. i drove to the mountain instead, listened to the radio, watched the sun set, and coasted down in neutral.
i stopped at the crash site. turned on my brights. toggled the fogs. brights. fogs. dagger (slowdive) is playing. the road sparkling, reflective with recent rain. it's definately not a good idea to go in the rain. in the dark. without my pads. definately not.
so i did.
in wool coat, scarf, and adidas.
and i made it.
didn't really enjoy myself for sheer terror, so i took a few breaths and did it again.
...and then i went to the market.
Posted by: jack boring at March 15, 2006 04:18 PM
that's my sk8tr boi.
>swoon<
i wonder if all of those doctors who told you not to ride a skateboard again, who told you that you're too old, who told you to be reasonable and smart....
i wonder if they've ever lived. seems to me everyone needs to do something that scares the piss out of themselves. you know you're alive.
:)
Posted by: kat at March 18, 2006 05:14 PM
my what a boy u r.
Posted by: ju at March 20, 2006 09:56 PM